What happened to that person? Reclaiming what you traded away, without blowing up the life you built

0:14 Ahoy! Captain David Gallimore welcomes you aboard the Regenerate Show, live Mondays, 10 a.m. Pacific on K4HD Radio at K4HD. com. Now, here's your host, Captain Dave, your personal regenerator. All aboard! Ahoy! And welcome, friends, to Regenerate. I'm Captain Dave, your personal regenerator. This show is really a safe place for true, vulnerable stories from messy middle of our personal, professional, and organizational transformation. Stories that we need now more than ever, given all the global political climate uncertainty and daily disruption of AI. I'm here to point to hope, however. How can you become someone who brings more resilience, purpose, and authentic energy to the people you love? And when you're ready to our planet, our only ship. My evolving definition of regeneration, which is the basis of this show draws on 4.5 billion years of life's own logic. How can we restore vitality across every living system? Ourselves, because then we can put our own mask on first, our families, our teams, our communities, moving beyond do no harm, which is the definition of sustainability, to becoming more like a healthy forest, endlessly regenerating, resilient, abundant life. So my goal is to lift people up in bonds of love, venture, creating,

1:44 building leadership, and impact my core values. And as a guide, a maritime captain, a lifelong learner, I'm living my ikigai, my reason for being. So whether you're a longtime crew, thank you for the show, or joining for the first time, welcome aboard. And I hope you discover something today that changes how you see yourself and what's possible. And if you're inspired, I invite you to share this with someone who might need it and to be their teacher, to cement some of these ideas and apply them in your own life. So here's my promise. First, we're going to have some fun today. I've been really looking forward to inviting Cortland Barnes to the Regenerate show. He and I laugh all the time when we're together. So I expect that we'll be having a blast again. Second, we want to leave you inspired. And third, leave you with just one thing you can apply before you sleep tonight. So grab a pen because transformations happen here. Our theme today is what happened to that person? What happened to that guy?

2:46 So how do we reclaim what we've traded away without blowing up the life that we've built? So ponder this. What if the person you set aside in your younger years, maybe 20, 25, is still inside you, still aboard your ship, waiting for you to call him or her back on deck? My guess is this Monday is Cortland Barnes. He's a senior software developer, team leader. He's a maker, inventor, tinker, sailor, father, husband, and has been one of my cherished clients on and off the water since January of 2025. So Cortland loved music. He loved drumming most of all. And at 20, he made the trade almost all of us make. He chose the path that would pay and get him out of his parents' house. I can relate to that. I'm sure you can as well. It was a good decision. It was also a decision with a long tail, similar to my own story of unraveling some of those early, early decisions for all the right reasons. But for decades, just like with me, it's been a tech-driven cauldron that's been fomenting.

3:57 But two things cracked open this year. This summer has banned Sponge Kingdom, which I've had the pleasure of listening to several times, including this morning. And I highly recommend it. And we'll put the link in the show notes if you're curious about Cortland the drummer. They got back together for a reunion. And he expected a fun night, but what he got was far more emotion than he bargained for in the best way. And then he sat down with a professional who hadn't seen him in 10 years and looked at him and asked five words that have been ringing ever since. What happened to that person? What happened to that guy? So here's what makes Cortland's answer worth an hour of your time today. He didn't quit anything.

4:40 He's still in the same demanding role. He's still leading teams. He's still weathering the days that used to capsize him. But really what changed is that he now sails with ballast. He's got that balance in the keel of his boat, of his life. So early in our work, we named his core values of humor, curiosity, craftsmanship, contribution, adventure, family, and one of my favorites, originality. not a poster, a working instrument. It's the thing from our coaching he still reaches for almost daily. It's what lets him play a long game. So he hasn't been untangling this alone. While he's been working at his end, what he calls the hairball of life, work, money, family, the whole snarl, his son, Peter, who's 19, has been working the very same knot from the other end. And that really inspires me because can you imagine if Portland, just like I've been doing with my own son, Ian, helped them maybe make better choices, not just for earning a living, but also to living a life. How much less pain and suffering might our sons experience? So here's the regenerative term. This story is not about going back. It's not about quitting our jobs or joining a reunion tour, as fun as that must have been. Regeneration never restores the old thing. It renews the capacity underneath it. Cortland the drummer isn't the point, but what made him a drummer is the point. And that's still very much alive. So we're going to ask Cortland,

6:12 you know, what did you trade away? What did it honestly buy you? And which part of that person is worth calling back on deck? This episode is a real conversation about reclaiming what you set aside at any age without blowing up the life you built. If not now, when? So please welcome to the regenerate show. My friend, my colleague, my sailing buddy, Portland Barnes. There's entirely not enough sailing going on around here these days, but thanks for having me. How the fuck are you? What's up? Yeah. Fair to Midland. A little more Midland than fair as one of my old bandmates used to say, uh, doing well. Uh, thank you for having me. And, uh, And glad to be here and share what hopefully will be. I don't know how we make.

6:56 An hour of it, but hey, that was your choice. But share what hopefully will, you know, I think let people know that there's other people stumbling on things and tripping and falling and getting up and scraping themselves off. So just another one of those guys. Oh, my God. You know, that's what I love about you. And I love about this opportunity to invite people just like you to share their messy middle life. Because I think there's so much performative stuff out there on social media, on YouTube. Just follow these three formulaic steps and you too can be a happier, wiser, wealthier person. And I just don't think it's that simple. So we always like to invite our guests with a couple of questions. The first one, Cortland, is what lights you up, man? What gets you out of bed? What do you really enjoy doing?

7:49 Yeah, well, first of all, good laugh. Um, I always, always on the search, uh, probably a little more than some people would, uh, would prefer. Um, curiosity, you know, my father was, uh, somebody who didn't do well in school, uh, a lot of generations of quote unquote late bloomers and my family, but he still was the most educated and curious because he was curious, uh, you know, in his twenties, he kind of found a gear and, and, read a ton, was always interested in hearing different points of view and that's something that I always really admired and try with varying degrees of success to emulate. And I think what hurts us all is particularly in the frenetic time that we live in is sometimes we lose our sense of purpose and that's something that I've always struggled with. If I have a purpose, I think you and I have had a had conversations where I've just sort of thrown my arms in the air.

8:54 You know, I can be shoveling shit if I'm doing it with a bunch of people telling good jokes and we're serving, you know, some end, uh, that's, that's, that's different. That's not necessarily just that then so be it. Um, so, uh, likewise, you know, and when I was playing drums and didn't really see where it was going, like that was at the time in my twenties, that was the, the, That was supposedly what I wanted to do, and I didn't understand the purpose of it. A lot of what went on around it was. Really destructive, and I just felt really ill at ease doing it. So that was sort of the conundrum. Yeah, so part of you, I suspect, if it's anything like my own experience with music, you just were in flow.

9:38 You got lost in the moment. Everything kind of stopped. The chatter in my neurodiverse ADHD brain finally was quiet. And then you have that emotional connection to the music. And so it's both physical and emotional, and it serves such a high purpose to give joy to others as well as ourselves and it's freaking hard to be good and so it's a constant opportunity for mastery. Absolutely and and in the throes of the day-to-day life which was you know abject poverty uh and a lot of stuff going around in the offices of the places where we were playing, you lose sight of that larger, or I did in my definitely emotionally immature state of that day, that era, lost sight of what it meant to just go out and have a good time. And I go see performers today that I've been watching for 20 or 30 years now, and I'm like, man, the number of light poles that I have missed at three in the morning, driving across the West at night, listening to you, like, you know, that means that's a lot.

10:55 That's great. And it's an awesome thing to have. And that's something I had no sight of back then. Yeah. That's, that's, uh, that's such a true experience that I've had as well. Music has, you know, pumped my spirit or improved my energy. If I'm not feeling so hot on a Monday morning and I'll crank up, know some some tunes and and i'm not blowing smoke your way my friend i think sponge kingdom and and uh our beloved producer rebel is gonna put that link up if she has no i saw it yeah i i really i really thought it was good and i thought your performance you know the key thing with with any band is you've got to have that driving pulse right that that cadence that tempo And the drummer is just such a critical force in that, but not overwhelmingly so, right?

11:49 Not competing with the vocals and the ensemble. And so I was really impressed. And so what was the catalyst for doing the reunion? Well, it was as so many of these things go down, it was a bit unfortunate in that five years ago, a. Guy who replaced me in the band, actually, I left. Um, at the end of when was it? 1996. I left it and he replaced me and, and the band broke up at some point after that. And they all went their separate ways and he became a police officer and he was just one of our favorite people. He was great, but he, he was murdered on the job. No. Yeah. And, uh, um, it, it was, uh, you know, it was, it was just brutal. And we all went to beer.

12:35 It was five years ago. Um, we all got together and, and just, um, were just resolved at that point. Like, let's do something besides have this kind of thing be the reason we get together. And that was the seeds of it. And then somebody, somebody started drinking and posting last summer. Um, I was cat calling from the corner of the room. No, but they, they posted like, Hey, let's do a reunion next summer. And, and some people chimed in and, and, uh, so we just decided to do it just for fun and, We didn't really care about what went on. It was just about the music. And yeah, just did it. Ended up playing for about 250 people that most, you know, I would say I recognize like 90 percent of them.

13:20 You know, the venue was full. I think we went out and started gigging again. It wouldn't be like that at all. It was just a bunch of people who were really happy to see us together again. And we were obviously happy. overjoyed to see them. I think, you know, that band was a really great group of people. I think that there was like the pieces of some really good stuff there. I hear that CD and it, and I think that the tunes are really good. Um, I personally got a little bit down after, you know, hearing my own work on there. Cause it's, I wasn't aware of it then, but when you record, you hear yourself for like, you know, 150, 200 times and you can pick out every single clam, um, that you play.

14:01 And, and there were a few on that. We, I think we had, uh, for recording time, uh, production and printing of CDs are run. I think we had five grand that we could play with that. We just, you know, that was gig money and we, um, put that to the CD. And, uh, um, so that was actually a great experience cause I was really struggling with, well, you know, the question of whether or not to move on from music. And I was complaining to a friend of mine who is an entrepreneur. And I was saying, well, there's no transfer skills here. I play drums and drink beer. Like, what's that? You had a very limited budget, had to work with six disparate personalities to create, design, record and sell a product that's not transferable.

14:58 And it was like, Oh man. So that was kind of an interesting aside segue into the next chapter of life. But that was, that was the sponge kingdom. And they, you know, you meet people in that, you don't, I don't like going and treading back in the past too much, but there are certain events and people that sort of, it's almost like they grow in your mind and psyche to fill the void left by all the stuff that sort of falls away. And those guys were that, and it was a great, you know, given the tragedy that happened with Gordon, that the, you know, to be able to go back and really like tell everybody how it was for you and how you feel. And they tell you it was, it was pretty gooey. It was good.

15:39 Wow. Well, I understand more than you can ever know that the power of friendship to that, that transcends time and space. Like I've got some college buddies that I could call up at 3 AM and say, Hey, what's up? And, and it'd be like, no time had passed. And if I ever needed really seriously, some help, I know that they would be there for me. Yeah. And I get that from my wife and my son and my daughter and, you know, dear, dear family, but there's something pretty special. It's kind of that unconditional love of friendship, whereas family is kind of conditional love, right? You're, you're Peter's and Anna's dad, you know, you're Marina's husband.

16:26 So that's kind of, those are all conditional, but friends you get to pick and you can choose to discard or you can choose to nurture and you chose to do the nurturing. So how courageous was it, my friend, to pick up two wooden sticks and start to make something happen on a drum set that's got, I always think about drummers, rubbing your belly, tapping your head, standing on a on, on a banana peel on one foot. Yeah. Well, uh, there's a little secret, Dave. Um, I actually had like, I don't think I ever was as scared to play as in high school band assembly performance.

17:10 Right. Yes. In front of your peers. I played in front of thousands and, you know, eventually you get, you get used to it, but I'll be honest. Uh, I, I, I like bourbon. And back then, you know, for better and for worse, that that was it because I was terribly insecure and nervous. And, you know, a drink or two would take the edge off. And of course, you know, you start you get in a band and it's spirals out beyond that. And that's part of why I backed out. But, yeah, that was a thing. It was it was absolutely nerve wracking.

17:50 Yeah, Dutch Courage, I think they call that drink. Yeah, something like that. But in terms of picking up the sticks, you know, just for this reunion gig, that must have been scary. I don't think you've been drumming, you know, ever since. Yeah, I had given it a smattering of attention for the last 30 years. It was, I think there were a couple moments that were scary when we like, when I went on, looked out. and saw now you, you only see that this was the biggest change was that you got up and if people dug it, this is what you saw, like a. Whole wall of those. And we like, what did he do? Like, what the is that?

18:30 And, um, but it was like, it was, it's such a, like, we're, we're the kind of terms that we were on. Like we didn't care. It was just going to be fun. And so, um, Courage? Yeah, I didn't feel like it took it for that. It got a little nerve wracking when I realized that it wasn't like riding a bike. Right. And, you know, and your stamina. Yeah, like build stamina, just basic technique. But then that became like the best thing about it. Because, you know, when you burn out on something, a lot of it is you're sick of yourself doing it. And so to go into it with 30 years of perspective, you know, stuff we talked about everything I'd been through good and bad since then, it was a completely different angle and a much better angle on it. And so it was just really, it was really fun. Um, or for most of it, I think that there was, there was a point at which, let's see, I flew in on a, or I drove in on a Monday. The first show we played was on a Friday. I think Thursday evening, end of practice, it was getting a little like, We're not getting through these songs yet.

19:40 And then it just Friday, it clicked. So that fear was gone. I thought there was no courage at all it was just like uh it was almost like home um like this is gonna be great i i might actually feel like that again you. Got got audio troubles don't while. We wait for captain to come back wanted to see so what kind of experience was that oh here he is Can you hear us, Captain Dave? We can hear. Captain's ship is going down. Here's hoping not. So we cannot hear you at the moment, Captain. But while we wait for us to be able to hear him, tell me, did you enjoy the experience of the reunion?

20:28 The reunion, yeah. And it was a way of, I think, you know, I think he's going to get into some stories about, the time then it was not enjoyable as nearly as enjoyable during the time, which is not to say I didn't value the people I was around, but, but the reunion. Yeah. I think it's worth, um, you know, again. I'm not, I don't go to all the high school reunions and all of that stuff, but I think for things that mean a lot to me to go back and. Revisit, those are great anchors and inspiring. Wow. That sounds pretty cool. Oh, this is going well. Yes. Well, it's, It's awesome. You know, it's live. So it is what it is. So how many years have you had you taken in between? How many years was it?

21:15 That was our 30th reunion. 30 years of. Yeah. And so. Go ahead. Yeah, I played in the 90s up until the end of 1997, essentially was my last show. And I was in my late 20s and my parents were awesome. Like they didn't say a word, but when you're 27 living at home, it becomes a little bit like a Poe novel. You know, it's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, get out, get out. And so it was, it was not enjoyable from that standpoint of, I think I did like 200 shows with a. Band in 1997. And my 1099 was $ 6, 700. I remember. So it was kind of time, but this, none of those strings were attached now. And, Um, we, we want to do some things that are kind of, I'm working on a recording, basic reporting recording set up. Now we're going to, you know, there's some songs that we didn't record.

22:07 We feel are better than the ones on the CD. And so we're just going to try to do, um, do something with that and see how it goes. No, no pressure. Hey gang. Hey, he's back. Thank you. Rebel for keeping the show flow. The show must go on as they say. This is the second time in two weeks that this has happened. So apparently there's something at my end that I need to fix. So Portland, thanks for your grace. I got to hear the last couple of minutes. So what I'd love to do next, my friend, is to ask you the second question that I ask all my guests. And that is, tell us a little bit about how you've become who you are today. today we've got a glimpse of that with your music life but there's a whole other few dimensions of your origin story.

23:00 Yeah and i think you know i'll try to obviously try to abridge it um the interest of keeping things things moving and there's there's a lot of you know that stuff gets pretty turgid um i would say um you know i had a i grew up it was an only child and i i say that Just because I think that affects how you view things socially. I think, you know, there's a lot of us Gen Xers where we had two caring parents who were both working in an environment that had none of the infrastructure that you see around today. So it was like you got dropped off by the school bus, you were at home eating whatever was in the house, you know, until your parents got home. And my parents had two very demanding jobs.

23:44 They were very interesting socially. And, you know, that that's just kind of how shapes who you are. I was always very independent, but I always was very insecure about that. I always felt a little bit negatively that I wasn't on the fat part of the bell curve. I like things that other people didn't necessarily like. I could go sit and listen to an electromotive locomotive idle all day just listening to. The sound of the turbocharger. I don't know. Uh, and that was like a source of almost shame for me. Um, and I, and I think that, that, um, a big word in my vocabulary at that time was hedging. No, I was in, uh, the music business, but I had a foot out of it. What, what am I going to do when this blows up? Because statistically things aren't in your favor. And that is, becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Um, and I, and I think, uh, you know, the, the, the lifelong question of, well, what do you want to do? You know, I had certain friends who came up with that, um, answer it early and they went on to become very successful and I never could come up with that answer. And I saw a lot of people who couldn't come up with that answer and they kind of, you know, sat there and stood on it without, without any further constructive tools on how to do that until they fell off the bar stool. And, um, so I think that's where to tie that into the experience that, that, I had with you was, you know,

25:15 tying in a lot of those basic questions, you know, core values, what lights you up? I really, I remember you would ask me that question. And I would give you these answers that were kind of like overwrought and overthinking until I literally like went to the level of like beer, beer lights me up. And you're like, yeah, okay, let's go with that. And I can, I can relate to that one. My friend is a very powerful motivator. Yeah, but just like those tiny basic questions. And I slowly realized over time as I went through life and work is that, you know, so much of these bigger questions, like any big problem you try to solve is you don't answer that question. You break it down into components until you can answer the components and then reassemble.

26:05 I didn't get that. That was one of the, if I had to pick one thing, that was the big thing that colored, you know, my existence, I think. Like emotionally, I struggled in general, but it was hard to deal with that. And once I figured that out, then then life became a lot easier. And I remember, you know, the stuff at this age comes with regrets. That's just how it is. And and I was like, man, I wish I had these tools and I could have taken accountability and assembled things and done things. So much better. And that's why I immediately turned around to my son, who was showing signs of similar struggles. And he is pushing forward on a very similar career to music in, you know, in a culinary degree program. And he's doing it without that hedging. Like he's full, full throttle. And if you know, one thing that the theme that, that I see over the years and the first time I heard it was actually Eddie Murphy. I, this was like 1989 or 90. He's like on the Arsenio Hall show or something. And he said, people always get taught to have a hedge. Don't do that. And you don't know how many homeless people follow that philosophy. So there is that question, but everybody I see, you know, I love watching YouTube because of the skill stuff on the making and the, and all of that. And, and the successful,

27:36 the really long-term successful creators were just doing what they love and put it out there and maybe they'll make it successful. And maybe they don't, there's always that Q and a session on their channels where that's like, yeah, we're just, we're just lucky to be here. We were doing what we like and we put it out there and that's that. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm, I'm, I'm hearing a couple of different threads that would be really fun to pull if, if you're willing that the first thread is, What you said about the value of core values, my God, if I had known my core values earlier than 2017, because core values for me is, I don't know if it's the same for you, but they become a definition of what a successful life could look like, not tied to any particular form. It's more of the, you know, the elements, the ingredients that a life that a purpose fulfills. for me by my standards, not by anybody else's. And it also has been a decision criteria. So given my neurodiversity and my FOMO and my shiny object chasing, I've really been pretty good about asking before I say yes to something, either spending my valuable attention, time, energy, money, does this request tick four or five or six of the boxes?

29:00 And if it doesn't, it's been much easier for me to say, no, thank you. How about for you? What's the core value for you? Yeah. And that ties in, you know, psychologically, they call it boundaries where it's like it can be something as simple as if, you know, getting asked to run a pair of shoes over to school and it's during evening rush hour. And there's no particular reason. I just want to wear the shoes. And it's like, well, driving during rush hour. Got other stuff to take care of. Does that kind of, how am I going to be after that? Well, I'm probably going to be pretty cranky. and I feel like, well, you're old shoes for one more time. And, uh, um, so regardless of whether, I mean, that's kind of a lame example, but that actually happened last.

29:46 No, no, it's, it's real life, man. Yeah. And it's just like, you know what? Like, let's get, you, you've got shoes. You're not in your bare feet. So, so I'll do that. I'm happy to, if I have a little heads up, I can plan and I'm happy to, to move mountains for you. Here's the example from last. Week where you gave me notice and, and we went on a big Wednesday afternoon expedition because. You do it. So, um, you know, that's. Where the core values come in and, and, uh, yeah, let's just cut it off there. You know me, I could go on. Uh, well, you're good. You see, you're already adapting to this whole medium of, of the short radio show answer. Um, the, Just to tease that, Brad, just a little bit more.

30:32 When you and I first met, you were looking for somebody to help you prepare your sailboat for some great adventures. And one thing that's cool about being on a sailboat, you know, you get to know somebody. And I got to ask you questions about, you know, how's your. Yeah, that went right in the gutter. How's your career going? You know, are you happy with your job? And I discovered, like, Like most of us, you made that decision way back when to do tech, and it's put food on the table pretty well. I looked at your LinkedIn bio. You've done some really, really important and valuable work helping provide dashboards and other intelligence for better decision-making. So I hope that you, when you reflect on your current tech leadership, team leadership, that you feel good about, you know, the value that you've added.

31:31 And it wasn't sufficient, right? When you and I met on the sailboat, I learned really quickly that just like me, there was something that was missing. Yeah, that's all fair. I would add, though, just to tie it back into the whole core values thing, that a lot of what that exercise did for me, was discover new things in what I was already doing to say, oh, well, that's actually great. And, you know, for instance, things. That I held near and dear was, you know, not being loyal to your company or whatever, because they're not, you know, that kind of cynicism. And I was like, well, no, actually, I work for really great people. And if I'm going to be doing this, this is where I want to be.

32:17 Doesn't mean that I don't want to do anything else. All that stuff is true. But what that does is I think for people who, you know, who are coming to you for advice tend to be in transition, like that eases that a lot to say like, oh, well, we discovered that this is a core value and this group of five people that you're, you know, running a team over or working with as the case. May be. Really embody that they're great to work with and they're, they're smart and funny and et cetera, et cetera. So. Yeah. And to that point, I mean, this was part of our theme, right? And short description related to where did that guy go? But you didn't do what I think some people do, which is to flush out. all of that life that's not feeding them at some level down the toilet and the baby goes out with the bathwater.

33:13 You and I, I think, work really, really well together to help you reframe bad situations and realizing, oh, I have a little bit more agency than I thought I had. And we would develop some new strategies, different ways of both looking at it, but then how do you show up that's authentic to you to, you know, I remember a story you, you told me about a young person who just was not showing up and, and another story that, you know, the person just basically wanted to be told what to do, but you know, they're getting paid really good money and they need to show up and they need to take initiative and solve their own problems rather than waiting to be told what to do. And, and you really, uh, to your credit, my friend, you, you really, found greater leadership while staying in that job that at that time when we, when we were meeting and working together, you could have very easily done the, taken the easy path and, and just kind of blown it up and, and gone and done something completely different, but you hung in there. And, and because of that, I think you grew into better person, better man, better, better leader. Um, in my judgment anyway, I hope that you feel that the pain and suffering, you know, now that you look back on it, you go, okay, yeah, I grew. I developed more character. I'm a better person all around. Is

34:46 that overselling it or is there truth there? No, I think there is definitely a kernel of truth there. I think, you know, years ago, you know, you hit walls in your life and you decide that, you know, something's got to get done and i know i know i had some emotional stuff going on and i would check in like starting when i was in school like hey i got this thing where little stuff is really causing me to overreact big things are kind of no big deal like um what what is this and and it's a matter of finding the right people to get around you who can they don't just help you you know, you have to realize how you have to show up to do all of that work. But there, it was a long, long time of, you know, to be careful here.

35:35 Cause it's not like, uh, you know, I didn't know what happened to that guy. He's still here. It's the same guy like it or not. That's what it is. But there are certain things that I just got to get, get rid of. There's the end of the runway. Better start throwing bags out the door unless you want to go cartwheeling into the trees. So, Um, yeah, that's, uh, um, definitely, definitely true. I think we all owe it to ourselves to just kind of look back at things that maybe we regret or, or, you know, patterns, you know, hold on to the things that you, that came out well for you, what happened there, but also, you know, I didn't show up for that person as a, somebody that I even really liked. That's a pretty memory, but get past that and go, what about that? So that, you know, because only reframing that going forward and having a similar experience and coming out differently is the only thing to me that is healing or, you know, helpful.

36:36 So that, that is super powerful. I mean, one of the things that I've learned, I don't know if this has been true in your experience, but I I'm not my bad results. And in fact, I'm not even my good results. I'm not my title. I'm not my income. I'm not the roles that others put on me. I'm a human being who is part of this incredible miracle when you think about the odds of you or me being created in our way of being. All the millions of sperm and eggs that could have come together. And so just the fact that we're alive, that we're breathing, that we're loving people doing the best we can. And then to get clear as, as, as you've done so well, um, or values your Ikigai, you know, your reason for being your, your brand, your, your, uh, some of these things that are just the nature of Cortland and, and that self-knowledge then when you look at the good, the bad and the ugly, the ups and downs of life, I think it gave me perspective and I hope it, continues to give you perspective that we, we can remember the difficulties, the challenges, because I think they do give us character and they also help us make maybe better decisions so that we can learn from the past and not repeat the past, but not let the past define us. Thoughts about that?

38:06 None that disagree. Yeah. I think, you know, to your earlier point of you're not this, you're not that I, I'm just glad I didn't get on here. You say, well, tell me a little bit about yourself. Tell me. But yeah, 100 percent agreement. It's it's a weirdly pragmatic and practical exercise for a topic that's deeply emotional and sometimes upsetting. Yeah. And by the way, what I just said and what you've affirmed, it's simple to say, but it's fucking hard to do. Yeah. I mean, I think anybody who's creative, anybody who cares about people, anybody who maybe have had, uh, childhoods that were brought maybe conditional love, uh, like in my case, um, these emotions get triggered by the wackiest things in the present moment.

38:58 Yeah. And, and doing the work as you did and that I continue to do as well with, with my, uh, coach, Chris Rue out of Wales. is that self-awareness just continues to get challenged and the opportunity to go a little bit to the next onion layer of that I, oh, that's interesting. I got triggered by something a client said, or my wife of 35 years of marriage said, and why is that? That's probably not what happened in the moment. It's probably my 10-year-old David, or my, what I'm learning from Chris, my four and a half year old David, self-worth that was triggered. It's just so fascinating that these things bubble up.

39:41 I have this half joking thought that the day we figure out all of that and assemble, like how everything in our youth and adolescence is connected together. Like the day we can figure it out and really articulate it without stumbling and rambling is the day we are plucked from this earth. Oh my God. Yeah. Or, or the next life. If you believe in, as some people do in reincarnation, where we get to come back and continue to master that question of who am I? Yeah. So I want to, we only got a few more minutes. Sadly, time is never our friend, but you know, The other reason why I started Regenerate back in February of this year was to help next-gen leaders. And I wanted to pivot, if you're willing, we want to maintain confidences, but what you've learned regarding what you were highlighting earlier about Peter, and maybe even what you've seen with Anna, because I think the next generation, based on what I've read and what I've seen, they're struggling. They're not feeling... engaged, bit of a nihilist view of the world. They're looking at their futures and going, is college going to get me what it did for my parents? That's in question now.

41:01 Is my lunch going to get eaten by AI? That's a serious question that young people are asking. Many have become incredibly dependent on social media as a source of not only learning, but also their identity and yet keeping up with the Joneses, which you and I both know is, is a treadmill that is not going to really go well. Yeah. So just, just curious what, what wisdom you're willing to share, what you've noticed about, you know, knowing what you know now, if, if you were a parent of even younger kids or, or maybe Anna's age, you know, what, what advice, what perspective can you give to help our next gen leaders?

41:46 Cause they're, they're needing our elder wisdom, but what would be a couple of things that you'd be offering up? I would say that, you know, a lot of, you know, wisdom comes from something negative or so. I don't know that this is wise at all, but if it is, it would be couched in. I think my single biggest regret would be, you know, My single biggest regret du jour, I might wake up tomorrow and say something different. But I think, you know, nothing has gotten me in more trouble than projecting, you know, my early mentors, my parents and families' expectations onto things. Because we're human, we're flawed, and you're packaging those flaws along with everything else and projecting it onto something.

42:39 And I think the biggest. um, mistake we could have made or somehow, you know, the second Peter showed signs of, of, you know, life, he's, he, he came at, he. Said, Hey, you know, I've been thinking. About, uh, you know, what I want to do. And the only thing I've really loved consistently is cooking. And, um, at that point when he, you know, it's, you, you, of course you're full of doubt, but it's like, give the kid a chance to prove himself. And the second you see that happening, get the fuck out of the way. Like, and with Ana and, you know, I just try to be there. I don't know if I see something, I might, you know, couch it in the form of questions or suggestions or, you know, she's like, I mean, wow, what a unbelievable, it's unbelievable that I got these two kids.

43:37 I just, I, I can sit there driving down the road mulling it over into tears. She's just a great kid as well. Guide, but don't shape. You're not going to. I remember after I was in trouble, and I remember these just brutal evening-long conversations with my parents. Where, you know, you didn't do it, did you? You didn't do it. And just... you know, get me a rock to crawl under. But, you know, afterwards my father would always tell me a story about like, there was one story where he and his grandfather was from Manhasset and his father, and he had come to Denver and dad was leaning on his shoulder. They were bellied up at this great watering hole. And, and he said, you know, pop, I, I don't know what to say to the boy. I find myself telling him the same things you told me. And, um, in his Manhasset way, my grandfather looked at him and said, Baki, pour my son another martini for he's not gonna like what I have to say.

44:47 Didn't do a damn bit of good. And, you know, it was a good, funny, warm, fuzzy story at the end of an awful night, you know, kind of a thing at the time. But, you know, the unpack that a bit doesn't, you can create environmental things obviously, and that's where, you know, having a, having a career comes in and you got to constantly remind yourself of that, but that's the best thing I've done is just. Get out of their way. And so, so Cortland, I'm sorry to cut you short, but we do need to wrap up and you know, please, please hang out after the show. So I'm really, really grateful that you Cortland came and joined today and thank you for sharing your, you know, some wisdom about how you might show up differently knowing what you know now about being a dad. So please join us for episode 32.

45:40 Yay. Regeneration part two, part two, next Monday, 10 a.m. Pacific, 1 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. CET on k4hd. com and on your favorite podcast platforms a couple of days later. If you want to check out more of what I do, please see the regeneratepodcast.com. Thank you so much for investing your valuable time with us. On behalf of Rebel Meddler, our producer, and our entire Talk4Media team, stay healthy, stay safe. We need you. Now, we're better together, so let's go regenerate. Thank you for listening to Regenerate with Captain Dave on K4HD Radio. We invite you to give yourself grace and grace the messy middle. See you every Monday at 10 a.m.

46:29 Pacific Time. Until then, you got this.